Shame

Whenever politicians are caught doing something wrong, they are rarely arrested. Instead, the government sternly orders a probe, hoping against hope that we (i.e. ordinary citizens) will die at a ripe old age before the probe report is completed. That way, corrupt and/or murderous politicians get away scot free, but of course. 

Such a shame that the whole thing is a sham - they all have to protect each other because one arrested aggrieved politician will vengefully open several cans of worms by spilling the beans on all the rest. I'm pretty certain that some of them have pictures of each other stark naked - or at least, possess solid proof of shocking, unsavoury acts. Anyway, since pointless probes appear to be the order of the day, I have some probing questions that beg to be answered as well.

• Suresh Kalmadi, chairman of the Organising Committee for the Commonwealth Games, evidently has a lot to answer for. What bothers me most, though, is this: Why did he buy toilet paper that allegedly costs Rs 4,000 a roll? What brand of toilet paper is it? Is it made of sheets of 24-carat gold? Has it been designed by Cartier? Can scientists please examine it to find out what makes it so special? Or, is the answer so simple that it makes Kalmadi seem like a village bumpkin: that he's just a mug and water man, and the wily toilet paper manufacturer fooled him! In which case, why have we hired unsophisticated people to handle sophisticated jobs like organising international-class sporting events?

• Why does Trinamool Congress leader Mamata Banerjee constantly find excuses not to attend Parliament? Could it be that she's scared to travel by train because the Union Railway Minister (oops, that's her) has a terrifically bad track record? Or has she always been a slacker, getting her mummy and daddy to write letters to her class teacher saying that she's sick whenever there's a test in school? Does she bunk because she doesn't know answers to questions? Or is she such a megalomaniac and irresponsible leader that she believes she doesn't have to answer to anyone at all?

• Why does BJP leader LK Advani keep launching personal attacks against Prime Minister Manmohan Singh? Yes, yes, we all know that Advani has nurtured fantasies about being the prime minister ever since he was this high, and Singh took away his last chance and all that. Can Advani not accept the mandate of the people? Why does he find it so hard to believe that people prefer good men over evil ones who promote communal hatred and violence? Can he be sued for defamation? Also, does he suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder? In which case, shouldn't he be locked up in an asylum for the rest of his life?

• Why isn't Union Agriculture Minister Sharad Pawar charitably giving away foodgrains to the poor instead of letting it rot? Is it because he worships rats and maggots? Or is it because the selfish, greedy man wants to eat it all himself? Going by his size, I suspect the answer is yes, but I'd like a thorough probe into the matter nonetheless!
• Why do MPs need a massive salary hike? All the recent scams have proved that some of them are stealing truck-loads of money from the national coffers anyway. If the probe team can prove that a salary hike will inspire these MPs to steal less money (only modest car-loads) from the nation, I'm certain that every humble Indian citizen will heartily approve of the move. Heck, in that case, I'm even willing to organise fiery rallies in favour of a salary hike!

• Remember the stand off between Bollywood star Shahrukh Khan and Shiv Sena supremo Bal Thackeray? Khan became a real-life hero by refusing to apologise to the bully, and zillions of citizens (even die-hard Bollywood haters) went to see that silly movie, 'My Name is Khan', to show their support. Why then did Khan send a warm birthday card to Bal Thackeray's son Uddhav a few weeks ago?

• When the Thackerays harass citizens and throw stones at them in Mumbai, the police don't shoot the bullies. Why is it then, when children in Kashmir throw stones at policemen, they're shot at on the spot? I really, really, really want an answer to this one!