Mera Bharat Mahaan

Published: December 6, 2010 - 13:54

I dont know if this has got anything to do with recent planetary configurations but it appears that our country is living in scambolic times. So, much as I complain frequently and bitterly about how India's English news channel anchors annoy me, I have to applaud them for their sheer doggedness in publicising jaw-dropping scams that have been fairly quietly unearthed by the press. Once the TV-wallahs sink their teeth into a juicy bone they never let go - and I'm beginning to appreciate them more and more for it. They never stop barking and yelping either, which is why a few of our arrogant politicians have been given the boot. If there is a god, they'll be sent to jail and be made to break rocks as well. And if there isn't a god, oh my god - we'll have to suffer them all over again! 

Congress party president Sonia Gandhi and Prime Minister Manmohan Singh have been scratching their heads pretty hard of late to find clean ministers to replace tainted ones. I fear their scalps may become so flaky that all the shampoos in the world won't cure their dandruff. They can never wear cool black T-shirts again like in those ads - but then, that's a small price to pay to save the country and, more importantly, the UPA, right? They are modern India's true martyrs. 

Meanwhile, senior Congress leader and ace troubleshooter Pranab Mukherjee has been doing a fantastic impersonation of the White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland.  Whenever I spot him on TV these days there are shots of him glancing impatiently at his watch and muttering, "Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be too late!" He must have earned so many frequent flyer mileage points zipping up and down and round and round to find decent replacements for ministers, he can possibly fly the population of an entire state to the Bahamas on a free holiday if he wishes. Oddly enough, Environment Minister Jairam Ramesh aka Enemy of SUVs hasn't ticked him off for leaving wicked carbon footprints here, there and everywhere. Tsk!

And while on the subject of the environment, I must say that I'm getting terribly worried about Congress spokesperson Jayanthi Natarajan. The poor thing has been engaged in a war of words with the vociferous opposition parties for weeks now, and she's been flaring her nostrils non-stop. If she doesn't watch out, plumes of smoke may fly out and contribute gravely to global warming. 

To add to the excitement, AIADMK head poncho J Jayalalitha suddenly surfaced and made the Congress an offer they could refuse: she regally offered to step in with a number of allies to replace the DMK if tainted telecom minister A Raja, who was certainly not living up to his grand name (a raja), was bumped off. I'm beginning to believe that the name A Limpet would have suited him better. Fortunately the Congress did not require Jayalalitha's services to do the needful - gosh, they already have one petulant, whimsical diva from West Bengal in their coalition government. 

The overjoyed BJP is behaving like a shrewish hawk-eyed housewife, frequently hollering, "Oye, you missed that dirty minister there." Of course, it's not lifting a finger to clean up the filth in its own party. Like Karnataka Chief Minister Yeddyurappa who lovingly gives his sons large chunks of other people's land even if it's not their birthdays. Oh how I wish my daddy was in politics too! 

The Left is also jumping up and down in a frenzied manner and burning calories like never before in the process. Is it my imagination or does Brinda Karat look distinctly slimmer? Sadly all their effort is in vain. Nobody cares what the Left says anymore - not in the national arena at least.

Things are so messy, even good old Batman can't help us now. I've been thinking a lot about this and a rather interesting idea popped into my head. It may save India and take Indo-US relations to such a great new high that Pakistan will weep like an abandoned baby. How about we reverse outsourcing? It's glaringly obvious that there's a dearth of clean politicians and bureaucrats in our country. Can't we get some from elsewhere? Oh please please please please please!

This story is from print issue of HardNews