Looking back at 2012

While I’m really looking forward to 2013 with my fingers tightly crossed and several good-luck charms like four-leaf clovers cluttering my bedside table, I think it’s worthwhile to also look back at 2012. What are the important things we learnt, and such like. So, here goes:

Stop laughing at Mayawati’s handbags: Yes, I know that the large handbags the BSP leader flaunts are not very attractive, but they do a great job of clobbering the Centre to do her bidding. Now that I’ve seen her in action, swinging her handbag menacingly to pass the promotions quota Bill and making even the vice-president of our great nation tremble, I’m convinced that she has what it takes to launch a range of her special handbags — and with her brand name on them, they’re guaranteed to be a sell-out!  Rest assured, I’ll sell my blue chip shares to buy a few of them. And I urge all the women in India to buy them too. I have a feeling eve-teasers and other criminals like pickpockets will be intimidated by Mayawati’s logo.

In case of emergency don’t call the police — call Arnab, Rajdeep or Barkha: And while on the subject of eve-teasers/molesters/rapists, don’t you feel  depressed that somehow the police never seem to respond to our cries for help on time? They reluctantly arrive at the crime scene hours later. In many cases, they even refuse to register FIRs. Forget about them. Seriously. They only act when Arnab, Rajdeep, Barkha and other TV-wallahs make a hue and cry about it. So let’s side-step the cops and go straight to the top, i.e. the TV-wallahs instead.

Call one of them, and within minutes a TV van will be racing towards you. To get help even faster, call all of them and be sure to inform them that you’ve called all. State that clearly. Their minions will arrive at the speed of light, screaming into their mikes that they broke the story first.  Better still, their cameras will be there to record evidence, et cetera.  So, naturally, that’s the present I gave my family and friends last Christmas: Arnab, Rajdeep and Barkha’s cell phone numbers! More precious than gold or real estate.

Give Narendra Modi an inch and he’ll take the entire country: I don’t know about you, but I was bemused when Gujarat Chief Minister Narendra Modi thanked the entire nation for his victory in the recent state elections. He pompously said, and I quote, “BJP’s Gujarat victory is a victory for all Indians.” Gosh, did he really think that the entire population of the nation sneaked into Gujarat and got fake voter IDs made to vote for him in a mere state election? Megalomania really does strange things to people. Shameless arrogance like this must be punctured swiftly, which is why I jabbed him fiercely on Twitter with the message: “Thank you India for my dog’s victory at Panchsheel colony’s dog-show!#tweetlikemegalomaniacModi.” I urge you to do likewise or else the nation will be shame-faced if he ever does become prime minister of India (God forbid) and thanks every human being and living organism on Planet Earth (nasty germs and dengue mosquitoes included) for his victory.

Arvind  Kejriwal desperately wants Sheila Dikshit’s house:  Almost every day I see TV footage of Arvind Kejriwal forcefully trying to enter Delhi Chief Minister Sheila Dikshit’s house on some pretext or the other: electricity bills, molestation,  his neighbour’s kitten got stuck in a tree and the fire brigade won’t answer the phone, et cetera.  He’s always accompanied by a howling mob of toughies, trying to peer in and figure out which room to use as his bedroom, if his desk will fit into a charming niche in the wall, and the length and breadth of her curtains so he can adjust his accordingly. Something tells me that he rather fancies himself as chief minister of Delhi soon. Hmm. Another Modi in the making.  I’m not surprised that most of his former friends have trashed him as a megalomaniac.

Indians are mangoes:  The two most overused words in 2012 were “aam aadmi”. And if we really are mango people, then will there be a new hierarchy in place with people fighting to be Alphonsos?  Honestly, thanks to populist politicians and wily activists, I cannot use the Hindi word for mango anymore! Nor can I eat mangoes without feeling sick.