Goodbye, Trollistan

Published: August 2, 2013 - 13:44

After expressing scorn and outrage over political issues on Twitter for about two years, I’ve decided to retire while still relatively unhurt and stick to writing about safer subjects – say, posting dead boring details about my meals.

For example, “Had fab, melty cheese-chorizo omelette for breakfast with crunchy French fries.”

Fortunately, strict vegetarians, militant vegans and nutty members of the anti-carbohydrate brigade are not as nasty as Mr Wannabe PM Modi’s online supporters. They wouldn’t ever threaten to rape and murder me (and my mother too, for good measure), or, as a friend recently experienced, express the fervent wish that his child would be killed in a terrorist attack.

I’m not saying that every BJP supporter is stupid, evil, and a rapist at heart – oh, and English grammar-challenged, besides. I’m merely saying that Mr Wannabe PM Modi attracts the vilest of human beings. He is a hero mainly to nasty people because they see him as the God of all things evil and nasty – a real-life Voldemort, in fact. Harry Potter fans, rejoice – there may be a sequel set in India soon!

On the other hand, some of Mr Wannabe PM Modi’s supporters on Twitter are not English grammar-challenged. There are a few allegedly sophisticated columnists and TV anchors who do their best to whitewash Mr Wannabe PM Modi’s image by harping on his pro-development agenda and the wonders he has wrought in Gujarat. Sorry, make that the wonders he has wrought for industrialists and other filthy-rich people in Gujarat. Frankly, they don’t care about the rest.

Sadly, I’m not impressed by these Mr Wannabe PM Modi supporters either. Look, if these allegedly sophisticated columnists and TV anchors were even halfway intelligent, they’d figure out that the RSS (that dreams of India being a Hindu Rashtra), has a tight control over the BJP these days. We saw how firm their grip is, didn’t we, in the recent hysterically funny face-off between senior BJP leader LK Advani and RSS leader Mohan Bhagwat over the appointment of Mr Wannabe PM Modi as BJP Campaign Committee chief. I must add that if these allegedly sophisticated supporters secretly wear saffron underpants, then they’re not merely half-wits – ah, come on, you’d have to be a complete idiot to want India to give up its secular ethos and turn into another fundamentalist-run disaster like Pakistan. Just one Baba (Ramdev) is enough to give me a headache with his stupid remarks about homosexuality being an illness. And then there’s that one Bapu (Asaram, fondly known as Ass-aram) who urges us to address rapists as brothers. You want to live in a country where nuts like that will have a bigger say in our lives? Seriously? 

Then, perhaps, they’d finally see themselves for what they really are – the way the rest of us actually view them. Sorry, darlings, all the perfumes and after-shaves of France will not sweeten your divisive stand

My dream is to bring the allegedly sophisticated lot who support Mr Wannabe PM Modi face to face with his crass Twitterverse supporters in real life. Then, perhaps, they’d finally see themselves for what they really are – the way the rest of us actually view them. Sorry, darlings, all the perfumes and after-shaves of France will not sweeten your divisive stand.

Meanwhile, online trolls have a new chant these days:

“Just wait till Modi wins in 2014 and then we’ll show you, you &*^#%&! ” is their regular threat on Twitter.

Hello, show me what? I have already seen what he’s capable of doing. I already know that he’s the wrong person to lead a secular nation. I’m already aware that he’s an expert at lying (it’s not for nothing that he earned the name Feku on Twitter for all the lies he spouts about his state’s stats – and let’s not forget that other lie he mouthed about a bitter Mr Advani calling him and congratulating him on his new post, ha ha). The point is, what Mr Wannabe PM Modi says is not important, including that disgraceful rubbish about riot victims being accidentally crushed like puppies under the wheels of his car and that his driver did it! It’s the things he doesn’t say about the 2002 riots, fake encounters, et cetera that send shivers down my spine.

So goodbye and good riddance, Mr Wannabe PM Modi’s trolls – I will stick to the subject of food on Twitter from now onwards. And sometime in 2014 I hope to tweet that you guys ate crow and have scrambled egg on your faces.

This story is from print issue of HardNews