Pehle AAP

When it comes to Arvind Kejriwal, I’m not a fan. I never have been, and most likely never will be. As far as I’m concerned, he’s just a comical little dictator earnestly play-acting the role of a comical little people’s person. To make matters worse, he has serious anger management issues and is self-righteous to the point of nausea. Even so, I cannot deny that congratulations are due for the Aam Aadmi Party’s astounding success in Delhi’s assembly elections: 20 seats more than the ruling Congress and four seats less than the aggressive BJP is no mean feat for a debutant! The entire nation was gobsmacked – and that day, cynicism died. We couldn’t have been more astonished if a scientist had found a cure for Baba Ramdev’s sickening homophobia.

More important, Delhi-ites were looking forward to all the fabulous electoral promises made by the BJP and the AAP. Many were contemplating investing in power-guzzling heaters and air-conditioners for their bathrooms, as well as their kennels, since both parties had sworn to slash electricity bills drastically. Some people who were dead certain that the AAP would form the government even got estimates for building tiny swimming pools in their drawing rooms because each household had been promised 700 litres of water for free – daily! “Santa Claus is coming to town” is what AAP voters had thought gleefully. Naturally, BJP voters didn’t think of Santa Claus at all, because Santa’s not a Hindu, sigh. They were thinking more on the lines of the charming ‘Indian miracles’, the sort you read on their beloved Baba Ramdev‘s official Twitter account: “We have also extracted gold from cow urine.”

However, just the next day, euphoria died and cynicism came back flapping, as the BJP and the AAP started playing a game of ‘Pehle Aap’. Neither of them is willing to run Delhi. Both are evidently too frightened to let the public see that their election promises were big fat lies. Also, it’s not a good idea to expose your incompetence before the general election. Interestingly, neither of them appear to be interested in an early re-poll – strange, since they fought these elections rather viciously. Meanwhile, Delhi’s Lt Governor, Najeeb Jung, has recommended President’s Rule as a way out of the impassé and from what we’ve seen so far, he appears to be doing a fine job of running Delhi all on his own! As I write this, I’m waiting impatiently for the results of Kejriwal’s referendum: he has murdered hundreds of innocent trees by sending 25 lakh letters to the citizens of Delhi, asking if they want him to run the government with the support of the “corrupt Congress or BJP”. I urge Najeeb Jung to immediately launch a project to reforest Delhi’s green areas!

I would like to point out here that while I criticize Kejriwal mercilessly, I also feel grateful that there are people like him around who can shame our corrupt and cynical political parties into cleaning up their acts. Not that they would do a great clean-up on themselves, but even a little helps. Kejriwal must also note that some of us find communal violence more intolerable than corruption. Remember that old highwayman saying: “Your money or your life?” Well, we would much rather let greedy politicians steal our money if they must, than steal our precious lives (and our money too). Face it, parties like the BJP are just as corrupt when they’re in power. Can Kejriwal sweep communal politics away as well?  If he can, then (and only then) would I be willing to look at the AAP as an option. Start with Gujarat and UP, Mr Kejriwal!

And now, since I’ve finally said something nice about Kejriwal, I’d like to present the AAP with a few demands. After all, the party has generously said it will take the public’s opinion on everything under the sun, and heck – I’m an aam aadmi too!

A friend on Twitter suffered from a bad bout of low self-esteem when he saw his ID photograph on his Aadhaar card. His demand:‏ @quickbug Wish they let one submit a nice passport pic taken in a studio instead of their stupid webcam setup

My nephew has a very stern request: Ban milk and karela juice, give us colas instead!

And here’s my fervent plea: Ensure that Bollywood flicks do not go over two hours.