POPCORN, PLEASE

I have giggled a lot this month, thanks to the NDA government. Here’s why:

Asanas for Asses:

Corruption charges that recently hit senior ministers of the BJP government have had most of us rolling on the floor with mirth. Particularly when External Affairs Minister Sushma Swaraj claimed that she helped Lalit Modi on humanitarian grounds. Hello, the BJP is not known to be remotely sympathetic to human beings—they’re more cowitarian than humanitarian. And Lalit Modi is not a holy cow, is he?

As more and more incriminating evidence emerged, grand plans for International Yoga Day were in full swing. So while Sushma Swaraj and Rajasthan Chief Minister Vasundhara Raje Scindia were doing what social media called the Lalit Asana, the usually garrulous Prime Minister was unusually silent on the issue, ably demonstrating a posture called the Sitting-on-my-Ass-ana. As a result of the PM’s apparent samadhi, harassed BJP spokespersons left to defend their corrupt party on TV with feeble excuses came out looking foolish: particularly Sambit Patra, who is universally acknowledged as Just-an-Ass-ana.

All restaurants in London lead to Lalit Modi:

A tip to readers while the murky case of Lalit Modi is still making the headlines: do not, on pain of death, pop into restaurants while holidaying in London. Order takeaway instead or starve if you must. Take my advice seriously or else you may find yourself in an embarrassing position, like many sweet, pure, innocent Indian politicians and top cops who claim that they accidentally ran into Lalit Modi at restaurants while eating balti chicken/paneer. All I can draw in conclusion is that Lalit Modi is omnipresent like God, but only in London restaurants.

The Not Doing Anything (NDA) Alliance:

Meanwhile in Mumbai, the headlines this season are almost the same as every year: ‘Heavy rainfall paralyses Mumbai’. I disapprove strongly of lazy sub-editors. The headlines really should read, ‘Paralysed BMC paralyses Mumbai’. The Shiv Sena-BJP bunch who have been running/ruining the Bombay Municipal Corporation for over two decades have shrugged off the responsibility (as usual). Every year they express shock and amazement that sheets of water fall from the skies and turn roads into oceans—did they not study geography at school? They blame the weather gods (yes, the Hindutva lot would much rather hold the very gods they revere accountable over than themselves) and claim to have spent crores of rupees de-silting the city’s drains, but to Mumbai’s traumatised citizens who have to weather the storm, it seems that they just poured money down the drain: Our money, not theirs!

All they’re really interested in is planting ‘Hindu’ trees or some such rubbish. No, I’m not making this up—Google it and gasp.

International Baba’s Day:

I smell a plot here. The NDA, which is vehemently opposed to all things western—apart from crisp foreign currency notes—chose to appropriate Father’s Day as International Yoga Day. Sort of like how they deviously tried to turn Christmas into Good Governance Day. Once again, they forced students to be part of their event, hoping that they are susceptible enough not to realise that this is propaganda. Mark my words: it’s not going to end here. A few years down the line, gift shops will have a completely different set of cards for happy occasions: Valentine’s Day has already been renamed Matru-Pitru Diwas in some saffron states like Chhattisgarh; Mother’s Day will soon become Cow-is-our-Mother Day; and Father’s Day will be celebrated with Baba’s Day cards instead. I predict they will have ghastly, syrupy poems inside:

Thank you Baba for teaching me to stand on my head;

Thank you Baba for turning me into a corpse while in bed;

Thank you Baba for making me stretch like Moti our dog;

Thank you Baba, now teach greedy Ma to fast for our Gods.