Published: October 26, 2015 - 12:48

I admit that I laughed like a hyena when Union Home Minister Rajnath Singh said that our neighbourhood astrologers are the cleverest people on Earth and make NASA scientists look like dim bulbs – zero watts is what he implied. After my laughter subsided, I decided that we should give him a chance and test his pet theory. He could well be right. Hey, for all we know, those Lefties fooled us for decades!

So, I suggest that we send all our neighbourhood astrologers to the US to train NASA scientists. This includes our Dear Leader’s favourite astrologers too – he may be reluctant to part with them since he’s going through a bad astrological period (the newspapers told us, remember?) but I’m sure he’s not a selfish person and will understand that our glorious nation comes first. He’s a rah rah rah 1-2-3-4-who-are-we-for, 5-6-7-8-give-up-meat-and-western-culture-you-ingrates muscular Hindu nationalist, after all.

And, come on, so what if his stars are bad? Look at all the people in the nation who still love him like they love their children. Okay, so this devoted lot only makes up about 31% of our population but so what, our mainstream mediawallahs are obediently falling in line too. Their meek compliance is a clear sign from above that PR can achieve greater wonders than astrology.  To be fair, the Information & Broadcasting Ministry raps them on the knuckle if they dare say mean things about him and the poor darlings need their jobs. Growling tummies must be fed caviar and all that.

After our Dear Leader makes the supreme sacrifice and surrenders his astrologers, I think responsible citizens should follow his example. Is it really important to discover in advance if Tanu and Manu’s marriage is frowned upon by the stars – can’t trained counsellors and/or lawyers deal with it if it doesn’t work out? Or if Bunty will pass his exams with flying colours (if Bunty studies hard, I’m sure he will) or what stone Papa must wear to get a better job, or which product Ma must consume to give birth to a thousand sons?

Mark my words, if we put our neighbourhood astrologers in the right place i.e. NASA, India may soon be not just the smartest nation in the world, but the universe too. Rahu and other troublesome Vedic planets will be tamed like puppies and never give us a hard time again, yay – this should make our Dear Leader very, very happy indeed. Also, fewer rationalists may be murdered if we stop being superstitious. Really.

Once we persuade the US to give green cards to our astrologers for the greater good of the planet, we can heave a sigh of relief and focus on the strange remarks made by another member of the Union Cabinet: the Culture Minister. Statements like, “Despite being a Muslim, APJ Abdul Kalam was a nationalist,” are offensive rubbish. It’s safe to say that, despite being a Culture Minister, Mahesh Sharma lacks culture.

He cannot be an asset to NASA, of course, so perhaps we can send him to Coventry? Set formidable ladies armed with a rolling pin in one hand and vodka in the other to attack him for daring to suggest that girls should be locked at home in the evenings? The best option, of course, is in the Dear Leader’s hands. He can throw him out of the Cabinet. This action alone will give us a fair idea of the Dear Leader’s real chest size. Yes, there’s a growing disquiet in the country about the unpleasant bunch of people in the Union Cabinet, and perhaps it’s about time our Dear Leader realised the truth: the fault is not just in his stars – his star ministers are to blame too.

This story is from print issue of HardNews