An open letter to India’s politicians

Dear Netas,

Hugs, more hugs and even more hugs. You are much, much kinder than our mummies and daddies! We thank you from the bottom of our hard, black, twisted little hearts for all the bans you have imposed on us. We understand clearly that these bans have only our interests at heart. They’re good for us, you tenderly say, as you refuse to let us eat certain things, drink certain beverages, read certain books, watch certain movies, cut our internet services, take away some fundamental rights and more, only for our own good. We’re so grateful to you for turning us into better human beings. Thanks to your tribe, most Indian citizens will attain nirvana in this lifetime and enjoy freedom from deprivation, riots, campus crackdowns, assaults by lawyers, taxes and the Swachh Bharat cess. Sadly, the ones that will be punished and reborn for centuries will be you wonderful people who serve the nation. This is not fair – not after all you’ve done for us!

So here’s a little thank you present for putting us on the Nirvana Express: a list of just four bans for you for the moment (don’t worry, we will keep adding to the list frequently):

Ban the politician-builder nexus: Yes, beloved netas, we really think you shouldn’t have anything to do with builders. They are wicked people who use cheap construction material and don’t care if flyovers and pillars crush us to death. Plus, they have loads of (gasp) black money! We urge you to shun them from your offices, homes and your society in general. Don’t let your wives/husbands, children, blood relations, drivers, cooks, panipuriwallahs, etc, work with them either, okay? Say promise and pass the Bill now!

  Stop visiting us in hospitals: We know you love us dearly, but when we’re crushed, burnt or wounded in riots, or injured during natural calamities, we only want our birth mummies, daddies and siblings in hospital with us. It’s very embarrassing to say our last words in your presence. I mean, what if we want to reveal deep, dark family secrets (e.g.: the black money from the sale of Nani’s flat is in the third curry patta flower pot on the left). Also, we don’t want to inconvenience you – you have a country to run and an astrologer to consult for your prospects in the next elections, for gosh sake! 

If you feel like giving us baskets of fruit, boxes of chocolate or flowers as get-well-soon presents, use a
courier service.

Be a sport and stop meddling with sports bodies: We’re begging you (on bended knees, puhleez) to remember that you have a country to run. Concentrate on that, darlings, and let real sportspeople run sports. If you love cricket so much, play it on the lawns of Parliament House – you have so much time to kill when Parliament is adjourned. It’s way healthier than consuming greasy, subsidised samosas and sickly-sweet chai during frequent adjournments. You will lose weight, be free from acidity attacks and block booking for bariatric surgeries for senior party leaders may not be required, hooray! Rajya Sabha TV and Lok Sabha TV TRPs may even soar and think of all the white money you can make (for the country only, baba – I’m not implying anything) from ads!

Ban hate speeches: We would be ever so grateful if you could stop yourselves and your party members from saying mean things to us like, you’re anti-national, a Maoist, a b******, go jump in the ocean or go to Pakistan. Like you, we are sensitive souls and if you continue to insult us, who knows, we may ban you too, someday. You wouldn’t like that, would you? So, yeah, stay around if you wish – we will tolerate you as long as you’re nice to us.